A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved…

Musing about this new song I heard for the first time today. I guess it is official, motherhood made me soft, allowing a poignant song to reduce me to tears {wait, I have been tearing up on beautiful songs ever since I can remember}.

The ballad sings of someone’s loss – his grandmother, and he sang it from the point of view of his mum. I guess this is why it struck a chord. I remember tearing up like this over his other ode, a song he made for his departed grandfather which reminds me so much of my parents who passed on a decade ago.

I was surprised that it has been that long. I remember the pain like they left yesterday. I feel the longing, the ache, the regrets, the tears, and the sorrow of words left unsaid fresh each time I awake. I remember the naivete of sincerely hoping that it was all a bad dream and they have just been gone for an early morning errand and would come back when we wake up the next day just like they always do.

I guess life has been busy and I somehow have mastered the art of being preoccupied, it was a fail-safe way to temporarily forget the heartbreak. But I guess I can only ignore it for too long. It has an uncanny way of creeping up when I am most vulnerable, like late at night when the world stands still but keeps nocturnals like me up with endless thoughts and generously-flowing creative juices. The loss and void was part and parcel of who I have become. I will carry it for as long as I live. Maybe on some days I can shrug it off, cheer myself, instead, with their fondest memories, but on other days, I guess the kindest thing to do is to let the pain engulf me and just cry it all out. I needed it to vent, I needed the tears to wash away the accumulated pains and hurts of the past 10 years living without the people I never imagined living without. It is unbearable to think that I will never get to see them again or hear their voices again, but I feel blessed that I see a glimpse of them in my siblings. I am thankful that even though I may not see my parents’ face again, I see their smiles in the eyes of my little one.

video is from Ed Sheeran’s Official Youtube Channel