Of Early Morning Musings + Supermarket Flowers

A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved…

Musing about this new song I heard for the first time today. I guess it is official, motherhood made me soft, allowing a poignant song to reduce me to tears {wait, I have been tearing up on beautiful songs ever since I can remember}.

The ballad sings of someone’s loss – his grandmother, and he sang it from the point of view of his mum. I guess this is why it struck a chord. I remember tearing up like this over his other ode, a song he made for his departed grandfather which reminds me so much of my parents who passed on a decade ago.

I was surprised that it has been that long. I remember the pain like they left yesterday. I feel the longing, the ache, the regrets, the tears, and the sorrow of words left unsaid fresh each time I awake. I remember the naivete of sincerely hoping that it was all a bad dream and they have just been gone for an early morning errand and would come back when we wake up the next day just like they always do.

I guess life has been busy and I somehow have mastered the art of being preoccupied, it was a fail-safe way to temporarily forget the heartbreak. But I guess I can only ignore it for too long. It has an uncanny way of creeping up when I am most vulnerable, like late at night when the world stands still but keeps nocturnals like me up with endless thoughts and generously-flowing creative juices. The loss and void was part and parcel of who I have become. I will carry it for as long as I live. Maybe on some days I can shrug it off, cheer myself, instead, with their fondest memories, but on other days, I guess the kindest thing to do is to let the pain engulf me and just cry it all out. I needed it to vent, I needed the tears to wash away the accumulated pains and hurts of the past 10 years living without the people I never imagined living without. It is unbearable to think that I will never get to see them again or hear their voices again, but I feel blessed that I see a glimpse of them in my siblings. I am thankful that even though I may not see my parents’ face again, I see their smiles in the eyes of my little one.

:film:video is from Ed Sheeran’s Official Youtube Channel

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Remembering Our Dearly Departed Today

All Saints' Day, mum's thoughts, Mama, Papa, occasionsIt is our 7th year of observing All Saints’ Day without my parents and we shall be spending the day {mostly the later part of it till the night} at their resting place at the memorial. Very different from its usual peace and solemnity, our local memorial will be filled with people milling about, excited noise and chatter, kids playing with those light up toys tossing them here and there, but most importantly, the place will be filled with flowers, lit candles, and prayers for our dearly departed. I am sure that my Mama and Papa, along with the many souls whose remains lay in the memorial grounds, will be happy to be remembered and prayed for today.

I was not able to get those special candles which my Mama used to get for her parents and brother when she was alive, but I do hope she liked the green tea-scented we got for her and Papa, instead. I am sure she will also be delighted at the sight of the many tea candles we plan to light up today.

It will never be easy losing someone you love dearly, sure I lost my one and only tito when I was in kindergarten but I was too little to remember the loss now, whereas I will feel the loss of my parents every single day of my life, but to know that they are happily looking down on us from heaven, and that they are in a much better place now with our Creator, is more than enough consolation. I look forward to reuniting with them one day.

I hope you had a meaningful and safe day remembering and celebrating the lives of your dearly departed. Let us keep their memories alive by praying for their eternal repose and celebrating the life they led when they were still with us. Most of all, let us never cease to follow the invaluable lessons they taught us when they were still alive, let  us not stop  loving them, just like what my parent’s tombstone say:

“love is how you stay alive, 

even after you are gone.”  ~ Mitch Albom

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happy 76th birthday ‘Pa!

Papa, mum's thoughts, family

I remember you as a stickler to neatness + cleanliness + I would often think that you were a slave driver, trying to boss everyone around to do your biddings: sweep the floor, keep the house tidy, keep everything neat + orderly. It was probably no surprise that I am turning into the same  person that everyone thinks I am OC. I also remember you as a self-less father + a faithful husband who did everything to provide for his family + make them feel safe. I also remember how we spend weekend afternoons watching your favorite James Bond movies on the telly {I wish you were here now that the new 007 installment is showing in the cinema, I bet you’d gladly agree to watch it with me + the little man, even when Daniel Craig is not really our most favorite Bond + prefers Connery + Moore over everyone else}, or your favorite basketball team’s game on Sundays. I vividly remembered how you were not able to bear watching that Jesus Christ film by Mel Gibson up to the end, simply because you cannot endure the scene where they are hitting Jesus Christ, or those moments when you cry over a particularly touching episodes of our favorite local nighttime  soaps. You tend to cry easily + there is no doubt that I got that from you. Most of my memories of you will involve newspapers + books + crossword puzzles + I must say those are some of the legacies you left us with + we will probably to continue doing them as long as we can.

Thank you for all the memories, ‘Pa, thank you for your kindness + your grace. Thank you for everything you did for us. We will never be anywhere near where we are today if not for you + Mama’s love + sacrifices. We will love you both until the end + we will miss you every single day. We will always keep your memories alive + will be sure to let the little ones know of your story. Jared just recently learned to say your names + would just blurt them out all of a sudden when he finds the inspiration. If you were around, I bet you would’ve spoiled him rotten!

Happy birthday Pa! I know you are having a wonderful celebration up there with Mama, our Creator + all the angels. Hopefully they’d let you have a bottle of beer or two since it is your special day, anyway! 😉

We will be seeing you soon + will keep you dear in our hearts until then. I love you, Pa!

“When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.” 
— Mitch Albom, For One More Day

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