Of Early Morning Musings + Supermarket Flowers

A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved…

Musing about this new song I heard for the first time today. I guess it is official, motherhood made me soft, allowing a poignant song to reduce me to tears {wait, I have been tearing up on beautiful songs ever since I can remember}.

The balladĀ sings of someone’s loss – his grandmother, and he sang it from the point of view of his mum. I guess this is why it struck a chord. I remember tearing up like this over his other ode, a song he made for his departed grandfather which reminds me so much of my parents who passed on a decade ago.

I was surprised that it has been that long. I remember the pain like they left yesterday. I feel the longing, the ache, the regrets, the tears, and the sorrow of words left unsaid fresh each time I awake. I remember the naivete of sincerely hoping that it was all a bad dream and they have just been gone for an early morning errand and would come back when we wake up the next day just like they always do.

I guess life has been busy and I somehow have mastered the art of being preoccupied, it was a fail-safe way to temporarily forget the heartbreak. But I guess I can only ignore it for too long. It has an uncanny way of creeping up when I am most vulnerable, like late at night when the world stands still but keeps nocturnals like me up with endless thoughts and generously-flowing creative juices. The loss and void was part and parcel of who I have become. I will carry it for as long as I live. Maybe on some days I can shrug it off, cheer myself, instead, with their fondest memories, but on other days, I guess the kindest thing to do is to let the pain engulf me and just cry it all out. I needed it to vent, I needed the tears to wash away the accumulated pains and hurts of the past 10 years living without the people I never imagined living without. It is unbearable to think that I will never get to see them again or hear their voices again, but I feel blessed that I see a glimpse of them in my siblings. I am thankful that even though I may not see my parents’ face again, I see their smiles in the eyes of my little one.

:film:video is from Ed Sheeran’s Official Youtube Channel

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A Mother’s Tale of Husay At Malasakit

Mama, mum's thoughts, family, mum inspires
My Mama, My Unsung Hero

I find myself thinking more about my Mama these days probably because I am a little under the weather lately, and there is no one I would love to take care of me while I am sick but my Mama. My fast-approaching birthday might also be one of the reasons as this special occasion is one of those days when I miss my parents the most. Or it might also be due to the meditation on gratitude I am currently doing. Reflecting on gratitude after every meditation brings to mind the images of my Mama and Papa, who cared for us and loved us to the very end.

My Mama is the epitome of #husayatmalasakit. She was a jane-of-all-trades, she can practically do almost anything, from cooking very delicious specialties and meals, to helping me finish my craft projects for school, to cutting and curling my hair and sewing clothes for me and my siblings. Looking back now, I marvel at how she managed to do everything she did. She was also a very kind person and was always willing to help anyone who knocks on our doors. She was also a very sociable person and actively campaigned for a kababaryo who was running for public service at the time {this kababaryo won this post and is currently serving his last term as City Mayor}.

“Mothers hold their child’s hand for a moment and their heart for a lifetime.”

My parents were simple folks who worked hard to raise their 5 children and sent them all to College. My Papa was an ordinary employee supporting and sending 5 kids to school with his meager minimum wage salary, while my Mama was a full time housewife who tended to her children’s every needs, while taking advantage of different earning opportunitiesĀ here and there to help my Papa with the household expenses. Back in those days, people in our little barrio was in awe and thought we were actually rich because my parents managed to sent all of us to College while most of our batch mates are quitting school or only managed to finish High School because of poverty. We were never really well off, but school is a non-negotiable with my parents and we were always told to attend school as long as they can manage to support us. As the old folks’ saying goes “edukasyon lang ang maipapamana namin sa inyo,” and it is so true, my parents left us no riches or worldly belongings, but they left us with good education, which we can utilize to move forward in life. In retrospect, I am eternally grateful that my parents never gave up and struggled to make sure we all finished College. It was one of the best gifts they left us with.

You left me beautiful memories
Your love is still my guide,
and though we cannot see you,
you’re always at my side.

I remember all too clearly how my Mama lovingly cooks for us, supports our every endeavor, encourages us, and believes in us even when we fail to believe in ourselves. She was my Number 1 fan and I truly miss the way she dotes about me and my simple accomplishments. She was a good person and did her very best to mold her children to becoming good members of the society. She was a generous soul who gives generously and loves selflessly. I will always be grateful for her love and her guidance and I will always be thankful that she is my mother.

I will always keep my Mama in my heart and in my thoughts. I will always treasure the beautiful and fond memories of childhood and I will always be thankful for my Mama for leaving us with invaluable life lessons, for her unwavering faith in the Almighty and for the lessons on how to be a man for others, helping those who are in need in whatever way we can. Up to this day, my heart swells with pride hearing tales of my Mama’s extraordinary kindness from people she managed to help when she was alive. Like her family, I am sure these people will always remember her.

Thank you, Ma. You and Papa will always be my heroes and the reasons for all that I am today. I hope that I continue to make you proud in my own little way.

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We Miss You Ma

eight years have dragged on way too slowly
but i remember when you passed on to meet the Maker
like it was just yesterday
nothing has been the same
and i still ache a little everyday
for the loss that i know i will never recover from
for the void in my heart that i know
nobody else can fill up…

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